


Just a Stupid Bird

by dare121



Series: Lost and Found [2]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 21:36:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15128312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dare121/pseuds/dare121
Summary: The noise of someone moving around downstairs drove Ellie from her dreams. In an instant, she was alert. Knife in hand, poised to strike at anyone who dared come close to herself or—After she and Dina return to the compound, Ellie has some issues readjusting.She isn't the only one.





	Just a Stupid Bird

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MurtaghArcturus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurtaghArcturus/gifts).



> this wouldn't end ok it just kept going and going and going
> 
> i hope you like it! I got the idea from the lovely MurtaghArcturus who wanted to see a fanfic about ellie having nightmares about the kidnapping and dina being there to help her through them ♥

The noise of someone moving around downstairs drove Ellie from her dreams. In an instant, she was alert. Knife in hand, poised to strike at anyone who dared come close to herself or—

“It’s just Joel,” Dina whispered sleepily from behind Ellie, her arm sneaking around Ellie’s waist and drawing her back down from where she’d almost been crouching on the mattress. “He had the night shift today, remember?” Her fingers were insistent, and slowly, reluctantly, Ellie pushed her knife back into its hiding spot under her pillow.

“Sorry,” she murmured, turning over so she could give her girlfriend an apologetic smile. But she needn’t have worried about Dina’s reaction to her paranoia. As soon as she’d turned around, Ellie was met with the softest of kisses, which didn't do anything to calm her already racing heart. Especially when Dina’s hand slipped under her t-shirt to stroke the small of Ellie’s tense back.

“We're both okay,” Dina said quietly, before laying a sweet kiss on Ellie’s nose. “We're both here. It’s over; you found me.”

“Yeah,” Ellie replied, trying to sound convincing. Shuffling down a little, she pressed her face against Dina’s neck and closed her eyes, reveling in the way Dina held her close.

They’d returned to the compound two days ago, and Ellie hadn't quite shaken the aftershocks of the last three weeks. With Dina gone and herself out there searching, she had been operating on a more basic level. Eat, sleep, hunt, repeat. There had been little else on her mind and now that she was back here, it was hard to adjust to regular life again. Every noise, every crackling leaf could have spelled a swift end out there.

Being around other people helped, but not while she was asleep.

She lay awake for a few more hours, listening to Dina’s breathing and reminding herself over and over again that she was no longer out in the real world.

 

-

 

The nails left a metallic taste on her tongue as she stuck them between her teeth. The shed next to the greenhouse was starting to show signs of wear and so Ellie had taken the initiative to switch out a few pieces of wood for fresher ones. She’d already taken two of the worst ones down and was just getting ready to line one of the new pieces up properly.

Her mind was swirling around the compound she’d raided last; the one where she’d finally found her friends. She went through every step of her plan and wondered if she’d picked the optimal strategy. It had all worked out in the end, but she’d sustained quite a few injuries herself in the execution. There had been multiple openings for her enemies to take her down if they hadn't hesitated or been too surprised to see her. Next time, she needed to be even quieter and faster.

_Next time_ , she thought with resignation as she pulled a hammer from her tool belt to get on with her task. Sadly, she didn't think there would ever come a time where she wouldn't need to defend herself and the ones she loved from this world. Unbidden, her eyes trailed over to Dina, who was working on one of their vegetable gardens not too far from Ellie. Her assignment to this part of the compound was the primary reason why Ellie had decided to fix up the shed in the first place.

Dina’s face and body still looked too thin from malnutrition, and she’d taken more breaks today than she usually did, which Ellie had expected but still worried about more than she wanted to let on. They’d spent a great deal of time together since they’d returned to the compound four days ago, and Ellie alternately felt elated beyond anything she’d thought possible and frighteningly terrified that something unexpected would happen. She’d wondered what felt like a thousand times about when the other shoe would drop.

As though she’d heard Ellie’s thoughts, Dina looked up from the zucchini she’d been tending to, and gave her a warm smile and a wave.

The overwhelming feeling of affection in Ellie’s chest almost made her drop her hammer in her haste to return the wave. When she fumbled with it, she saw Dina grin, and that certainly didn't help. Although it did drive the cloud of bad thoughts from her mind.

 

-

 

“Hey, you,” Dina said from the doorway of Ellie’s bedroom, a bag slung over her shoulder and a determined expression on her face.

“Hey,” Ellie replied as she put down her pencil and shoved the journal she’d been scribbling in under a pile of comic books. She wasn’t quite ready to let Dina know just how much she’d been obsessing over her rescue and the little mistakes she’d made - like letting that last guy lock himself in with Dina. That had been stupid beyond anything else and could have had disastrous consequences. “I didn’t think you’d be here until seven.”

Dina was wearing her favorite pair of jeans and a green sweater, and her hair was tucked away in a messy bun at the back of her head. She looked the same as she always did, but the expression on her face told Ellie that something was different.

“Snuck out early,” Dina admitted as she let the bag fall onto Ellie’s unmade bed. “I already know everything there is to know about how to plant and grow turnips.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her own ear before walking over to Ellie, who was expecting the kiss but still felt somewhat unprepared for it. “Hey, you.” This time, the words and the way they were spoken sent shivers down Ellie’s back. Especially when Dina curled her fingers around the side of Ellie’s neck and tilted her chin up a little higher for a more insistent kiss. “Missed you all day.”

After their morning together in the vegetable gardens, Ellie had been called away to a strategy meeting on how best to improve their patrols, so they could prevent further attacks on their people. Before Dina had come in, Ellie had been sketching out every enemy compound she’d taken down and the way she’d done it.

“Missed you, too,” Ellie mumbled shyly, feeling slightly embarrassed at the admission. When her response garnered her another kiss, she decided that _sometimes_ being honest about her feelings probably wouldn’t be the worst thing, even though it made her feel weird and exposed.

“Now… get your ass on the bed so I can look at your wounds,” Dina said without preamble as she let go of Ellie’s neck so she could walk back over to her bag. “I picked up a few things from the hospital before I came over.” The hospital was what they called the cleanest and nicest building in the entire compound, and the only place that never had to cut back on electricity.

“I told you I’ve been taking care of it,” Ellie said sullenly as she swiveled her desk chair around and crossed her arms over her chest, inadvertently placing one of her bandages in Dina’s field of view. “I clean and redress them every day.”

Dina, who was perfectly aware that Ellie could be a bit petulant when she wanted to be, didn’t wait around for Ellie to change her mind. Instead, she crossed the room _again_ , grabbed Ellie by the hand and pulled her and the desk chair over to the bed. With a quiet sigh, Ellie looked up at her girlfriend, who was too busy rooting around in her bag to notice the almost soppy look of adoration in Ellie’s eyes.

“I’m glad you’ve been taking _basic_ care of yourself, but we have actual doctors here who can help you avoid growing huge amounts of scar tissue, you know.” Dina’s fingers pulled out a small white tub of what Ellie assumed to hold some sort of medicinal cream.

“I thought you said scars are hot,” Ellie replied a little self-consciously as she brought her hand to her right eyebrow, where a jagged little scar parted the small hairs. There were a _lot_ of scars on Ellie’s body, and she’d never particularly cared for them, but if Dina thought they were gross…

“Because they are.” Dina put down a second tub, this one even tinier than the one before. “But sometimes it’s still better if you take _proper_ care of yourself.” She turned suddenly to pull Ellie’s hand away from her face. “Dumbass.”

It took Ellie just a little too long to respond, mainly because she was pretty sure this had far more to do with Dina wanting to take care of her than anything else, and she had no idea how to put her gratitude into words.

She told herself that was the only reason she didn’t complain when Dina sat down on the bed and unwrapped the bandage on Ellie’s left arm. The sizeable scratch underneath looked a little red around the edges but Ellie knew the worst was over. She’d sustained the scraggly wound when her arm had made contact with a particularly sharp double-edged knife on her way to get Dina. She’d taken the weapon for herself after that, once she had made quick work of its previous owner. Maybe it would make for a good birthday present one day.

“See? This is what I mean,” Dina said as she cradled Ellie’s arm in between her gentle fingers. The exasperated worry in her tone caused butterflies to erupt in Ellie’s belly, who had rarely had anyone care for her in this way before. “We could get someone to redo these stitches for you.” She stroked her thumb along the edges of the cut, careful not to apply too much pressure. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s _super_ hot that you managed to stitch yourself up, but these are a bit… janky.”

“You try fixing yourself while it’s raining and you’re miles away from anything resembling a roof,” Ellie said, feigning mock-offense, although she wasn’t lying. She’d been bleeding profusely from the cut after she’d taken down her attacker, and the rain had been making it a bit difficult to see. She looked down at her arm now and wondered if Dina was right. Maybe her needlework could be improved by a professional.

“What do you say we go down to the hospital tomorrow morning and get this sorted out?” Dina asked while she continued to let her thumb run back and forth on Ellie’s skin. As though she was anticipating some sort of resistance, she leaned forward until her lips almost touched Ellie’s ear. “I’ll let you touch my boob if you say yes.”

When she saw Ellie’s expression, she burst out laughing.

“I’m kidding,” Dina said before kissing Ellie’s hot cheek. “I’ll let you touch my boob even if you don’t want to go. Just thought I’d sweeten the pot a little.”

Feeling heavily out of her depth, Ellie shook her head and rubbed her hand across her face.

“You’re such a jerk,” she whispered almost to herself, although she was smiling. “Fine, I’ll let someone redo the stitches if it’ll make you shut up about it.” Her eyes flicked down to Dina’s breasts for just a second as she wondered whether or not she had been kidding even a little bit about the touching part.

“I knew you’d see the wisdom in my words,” Dina gloated, leaning forward to kiss Ellie triumphantly. “Now, let’s see what we can do for you until then. I brought some ointments.”

In retrospect, Ellie was glad that video cameras were pretty much a thing of the past. Because later, when she took off her flannel and t-shirt so Dina could rub the ointment on her other knife wound, she was sure her burning hot expression of awkwardness would have made for great blackmail material.

She only wished she hadn't mentioned that to Dina, who had laughed at her. Right before making a comment that she would use a recording of Ellie’s half-naked body for entirely _different_ purposes.

The comment hadn't helped Ellie at all with controlling her over-active imagination, especially once Dina started trailing her fingers along Ellie’s naked shoulders.

 

-

 

Something woke Ellie from her sleep, and it wasn’t a creak from downstairs this time. Looking around the darkness in confusion, Ellie wondered what was going on. Did she need to be on her guard? Would she have to defend herself and Dina at any moment?

Just as the thought crossed her mind, Ellie heard a whimper from behind her and felt the hand at her back fist desperately into her t-shirt.

“D?” she asked quietly, and twisted her head back as far as it would go so she could check to see what was going on. “What’s wrong?” She could barely see Dina’s face in the darkness, hidden as it was against Ellie’s back. “Dina?”

She wasn’t awake, Ellie suddenly realized.She was having a nightmare.

“Dina,” Ellie whispered a bit more insistently as she tried turning around without hurting Dina’s hand, which had taken hold of her shirt quite tightly. “Dina, wake up.” She reached around herself a little awkwardly so she could disentangle her girlfriend’s fingers from the dark blue fabric. “It’s a dream.”

Once Ellie had finally turned around, she saw that Dina’s face was marred with pain, her eyes were squeezed shut and her mouth was open. This probably wasn’t her first nightmare, but it was the first that Ellie had been privy to firsthand.

“Dina,” she whispered, curling her hand around Dina’s shoulder and shaking her softly. She felt unequipped to handle this situation. Back in the day, Joel had had nightmares sometimes, but Ellie had never asked him about them - it didn’t feel like it was her place to question him on something so personal. And ever since they’d moved to the compound, they’d been sleeping in separate rooms, so Ellie had no idea if he still had them or if he’d somehow found a way to move past his trauma.

Now, though, she wished she’d talked to him about it at least once. Maybe then she’d know what to say and how to comfort Dina once she was awake. Sweat was shimmering on Dina’s forehead, and Ellie asked herself if this was what she looked like when she dreamed of the horrors she’d seen.

“Dina, wake up,” Ellie whispered again, shaking Dina a little more insistently. It took three more rough shakes before Dina’s eyes finally opened. They searched frantically for an enemy that wasn’t there and Ellie was quick to cup her cheek and turn her attention to something else. “You were having a nightmare.”

“Ellie?” Dina whispered, her gaze finally focusing on Ellie’s features.

Without words, Ellie pulled Dina into a hug and held her close, the way she’d done in the room where Dina had been locked up. She remembered viscerally how life-affirming their embrace had felt, and she hoped the physical contact would remind Dina that she was safe.

“I was back there,” Dina murmured against Ellie’s shoulder, her hands sliding under Ellie’s t-shirt so she could seek out warm skin to reassure herself. “It was like I never left.” She pressed her forehead even harder against Ellie’s neck and took a shuddering breath. “I was so hungry.”

At a loss for what to say, Ellie simply held her, hoping that her presence was enough to help her calm down and feel safe after what she’d just relived. Softly, gently, Ellie pressed her lips to Dina’s head and stroked the back of her neck. With every circular motion of her fingers, Dina’s hands on her back slowly relaxed, and when what felt like ten minutes had passed, they were laying still and motionless on Ellie’s skin.

“Don’t let me go.” There was something vulnerable in Dina’s voice that Ellie rarely heard from her, and it made her cling to her even more urgently. For three weeks, Dina had been held against her will while Ellie had been searching for her… it still felt unreal that they were finally reunited.

“I won’t,” Ellie replied, squeezing her eyes shut and breathing in Dina’s scent. “I promise.”

 

-

 

Three days later - a week after their return - Ellie and Dina sat in on the monthly compound meeting, surrounded by the rest of their people. As usual, Ellie had taken a seat close to the door and with her back to the wall so she could keep an eye on the whole room. The only difference to every other meeting she’d ever attended was that, for the first time, Dina was leaning against her chest. She’d taken it upon herself to wrap Ellie’s arms around her waist and had them covered with her own hands, keeping Ellie distracted from focusing all of her attention on their surroundings.

The meeting hadn’t quite started yet and people were still trickling in, but Ellie was already getting plenty of looks - or at least it felt that way to her. There was definitely a smirk on Jesse’s face.

Cheeks burning with a mix of bashfulness and quiet joy, she rested her chin on Dina’s shoulder and squeezed her a little tighter. She was doing a bad job of hiding her smile, and she could tell that there was more than one person present who still wasn't used to seeing this softer side of her. She was starting not to care though, not if being strong and stoic meant not having Dina. She knew what that was like, and she didn't need it again.

“This is healing nicely,” Dina whispered as she softly drew her finger along the scratch on Ellie’s left forearm. Ellie had caved like a wet blanket and had followed Dina to the hospital just like she’d promised, and one of the doctors had sorted out the stitches and prescribed her some more of that ointment Dina had snagged the day before their visit. “Probably don't have to get another tattoo to cover it up.” She turned her face to the side to kiss Ellie’s cheek. “Although I wouldn't mind if you got a new one. They look great on you.”

Her words made Ellie’s cheeks darken further, and she hid her face in Dina’s neck. She was trying to seem casual, like she was simply enjoying being close to Dina instead of masking her embarrassment, but she knew it wasn't working.

“You're cute,” Dina whispered to her, ensuring that no one but Ellie would hear her soft admission.

“Shut up,” Ellie grumbled back, opening her mouth in a fit of spontaneity and biting Dina’s neck, which caused an immediate and unexpected reaction in her girlfriend. Dina froze, her finger stalling suddenly on Ellie’s arm. Misreading the situation, Ellie apologized immediately and loosened her grip. But instead of disentangling herself, like Ellie had expected, Dina held on fast.

When she turned her head, Ellie saw how flushed her girlfriend’s cheeks were.

“Don't do that when we're in public and I can't jump you,” she whispered insistently, her pupils wide and dark with something Ellie hadn’t yet learned how to name. “Especially right before we have to sit still for an hour.”

Filing away this little bit of information for later, Ellie nudged Dina with her arm so she would cotton on to the fact that Tommy was about to start the session. They were already drawing too much attention as it was; Ellie didn’t need _everyone_ looking at them because they weren’t being quiet.

That same fire was still in Dina’s eyes though, and she didn’t turn around until she’d kissed Ellie’s cheek a little too enthusiastically. From across the room, Ellie heard snickers that sounded suspiciously like Jesse and James. When she gave them a dirty look, their expressions sobered up somewhat, but that probably had more to do with Tommy opening his mouth and actually starting the meeting.

He kicked off his report with the same thing he talked about during every meeting: a list of the things they’d accomplished during the month before. As he began talking about all the food they’d gathered for the winter, Ellie felt herself relax against the back of her chair. Her arms slackened around Dina’s waist and the tense muscles around her eyes loosened ever so slightly. She enjoyed listening to Tommy talk about how well their compound was doing, because a small part of her was always proud of the contribution she’d made to its success.

She especially enjoyed this recap, since she hadn't been around for most of it. While the others had been refortifying their walls and gathering more food than ever for the upcoming cold season, Ellie had been out there. Searching. And a part of her had steadfastly believed that she was never coming back.

“Which brings me to the patrols,” Tommy said, causing Ellie to snap out of the memory of lying in the dirt with both hands pressed to her bleeding stomach. “We all know what happened the last time we sent people further out there.” He had his hands placed on his hips and was wearing a grim expression on his face. His eyes were trained on Ellie and Dina, just like every other pair in the room, and Ellie hated every second of it. “Ellie and I have been talking about what she saw out there and I hope that together, we can find a way to prevent anything like that from happening again.”

There was agreeable murmuring rising up from the crowd and Ellie looked for Joel, who was sitting at the other end of the room, also with his back to the wall. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was one of the few people who wasn’t staring. She knew that he was still mad that she’d gone out there without him, but she hadn’t really been thinking at the time. She’d sort of apologized when she’d come back, but she’d hardly gotten a word in edgewise over his shouting and pacing.

“Until we have a better system planned out, we aren’t scheduling anyone else to go beyond the safe perimeter,” Tommy continued, letting his gaze sweep across the crowd to ensure that everyone was listening. “Now, before we move on to our next topic, let’s give a hand to Ellie for bringing back our kids.”

The staring was bad enough, but now the others were _applauding_ her.

“Try to look less like you’re passing a football-sized gallstone,” Dina whispered to her while she continued to smile and applaud. “This is a good moment. This means we’re alive.” There was something sad about her eyes, and Ellie knew that she was thinking about their three friends who _hadn’t_ survived the kidnapping.

“Yeah,” Ellie replied, hoping that her grimace looked like something akin to happy.

The applause quickly quieted down when Tommy raised his hands to get everyone’s attention back on him. Besides, he knew that she didn’t enjoy being at the center of everyone’s excitement for too long. A week prior, while everyone else had been celebrating their triumphant return, Ellie had sneaked off to hide in the shadows. Although she hadn’t been alone for long.

“I think I need to keep an eye on you,” Dina murmured to her, leaning her cheek against Ellie’s. “You were the compound’s most eligible bachelor before I snagged you up, and now you can add hero to your resume.” Ellie almost snorted at her words. There were a lot of words that someone could conceivably use to describe her, but _hero_ definitely wasn’t one of them. Not after the things she’d done, the people she’d killed.

“You’re so full of it,” she replied quietly as she pretended to listen to Tommy.

“I’m just saying,” Dina went on, going back to drawing her finger along Ellie’s healing scratch. “You’re a catch. Every woman in this place is probably chomping at the bits to steal you away from me.” Ellie had a feeling her girlfriend was trying to deflect from depressing memories she didn’t want to think about, but she still wasn’t quite sure if this interlude was actually supposed to go somewhere.

Surely, Dina couldn’t possibly be worried that Ellie would want to go out with someone else? Not after everything the two of them had gone through together, after Ellie had killed and butchered dozens of people to get her back?

“Weirdo,” Ellie whispered, before turning her attention back to Tommy and what he was saying about their lumber stocks.

 

-

 

“You want to go back to my place?” Ellie asked Dina while they were leaving the town hall building. The meeting had run a little long, but Ellie didn't mind. She could be reckless and headstrong at times, but she also knew how to appreciate a good plan. Especially when it came to keeping their compound thriving. “Or do you have other plans?”

Dina gave her an exasperated smile as she continued to pull Ellie along by the hand. “I’ve been sleeping over every day since we got back.”

That didn't exactly answer Ellie’s question.

When Dina realized that Ellie was still floundering, she stopped and tipped up on her toes to give Ellie a kiss.

“Yes, I'm coming back to your place,” she said, letting go of Ellie’s hand so she could bring both hands to Ellie’s collar instead. “Unless you don't want me to.”

“I want you to,” Ellie admitted without hesitation. She wondered if she would always feel so full of love and nervous excitement when she talked to Dina about wanting to be together.

Dina looked to be on the verge of tipping up for another kiss, when a voice called to Ellie from the front of the town hall building. She recognized Joel’s cadence right away, and let out a soft sigh.

“Have fun with that,” Dina said gently, her teasing words holding none of their usual bite. “I need to run home quickly anyway. I’ll see you soon.” She pecked Ellie’s cheek, waved to Joel, then turned away and joined up with a group of their friends that had moved a little further ahead of them already.

Hoping that she wouldn't get another lecture, Ellie turned towards Joel and stuck her hands into the pockets of her jeans. She tried to gauge his mood, but his face was carefully blank, which only worried her more.

“What’s up?” Ellie asked once he was close enough to hear her.

“Wanted to talk to you,” Joel replied, stopping in front of her and crossing his arms over his chest. The gesture should have seemed defensive, but Ellie - who knew Joel better than anyone - knew he crossed his arms only when he wanted to seem intimidating or if he was feeling nervous. And somehow, Ellie didn't think the former made a lot of sense at the moment.

“Here I am,” Ellie said, trying to ignore the curious onlookers who were passing them by. Most of the compound had seen Joel’s hissy fit when Ellie had come back with Dina and the others. What they hadn't seen was the desperate hug they had shared in the comfort of their own home.

“I, uh…” He glanced around himself, as though only just realizing that talking to Ellie in public may not be such a great idea. “Tommy talked to me.” Ellie knew where this was going. “He, uh, he told me what you did.” He was talking so slowly and quietly that even the most ardent stragglers were beginning to disperse, giving them at least a modicum of privacy. “I wanted to… say I'm sorry. For what I said. And for yellin’.”

“It’s okay,” she said, even though it kind of wasn't. But she could tell how hard this was for him, and right now she didn't feel like making it more difficult. Not after she’d been through some of the hardest weeks she’d had in over five years and just wanted everything to go back to normal.

“No. No, it’s not okay.” He reached up with his hand to scratch at his beard. “I shouldn't have yelled. And I shouldn't have said all those things… I get so angry…” He scratched the back of his neck. “I'm really proud of what you did out there.” He awkwardly reached for her shoulder and slapped it a few times. “You're a good kid, Ellie.”

She wondered how much of what he was saying he’d talked through with Tommy beforehand. From the way he was only hesitating on what felt like every third word, they’d probably discussed it for a very long time.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving,” she said, truly meaning it this time. She wouldn't take back the decision if she could, but she still felt bad about it. She never wanted to make Joel worry, but sometimes… sometimes she had to.

“Nah,” he replied, squeezing her shoulder a little tighter. “I woulda tried to stop you, or I woulda come with you…” His hand was warm and big and achingly familiar, and Ellie wished she knew how to express herself better.

Alas, she fell back on what she knew.

“And you aren't getting any younger,” she said, testing the waters to see how receptive Joel would be to joking about the whole thing now that it was done and she’d come back safely.

To her great relief, he smiled.

 

-

 

The front porch of Ellie and Joel’s house was dark, but Ellie could still tell that someone was curled up on the bench they kept there. The body was small and slender - too slender, still - and she had little trouble figuring out that it was Dina who was waiting for them.

“Hey, I was wondering how much longer the two of you would be,” she said as she got to her feet, her bag held loosely in front of her waist. “Jesse predicted you’d duke out in front of town hall. Gladiator-style.”

With a chuckle, Joel reached over and ruffled Ellie’s hair before his hand was slapped away with a disgusted huff. Then, he tipped an invisible hat to Dina and unlocked their house, vanishing inside without another response. Neither Ellie nor Dina were surprised at his lack of commentary.

“Jesse needs to know when to keep his mouth shut,” Ellie said with no real fire to her words as she tried to fix her hair with little success. One of these days, she would get Joel back for that little stunt.

“I don’t know, I kind of liked the mental image of you in one of those little outfits.” Dropping her bag onto the bench, Dina walked to the edge of the porch, the small elevation making her just a little taller than Ellie, who was close enough that Dina could pull her into a soft embrace.

Joel had turned the light on inside, bathing the two of them in the golden glow of evening.

Placing her arms across Ellie’s shoulders as though they were dancing, Dina leaned their foreheads together and closed her eyes. She was tender and warm, and Ellie didn’t hesitate to wrap her own arms around her girlfriend’s waist in turn.

“Everything alright between you and Joel?” Dina asked, drawing her nails across the back of Ellie’s neck in a soothing motion.

“Yeah. He apologized for yelling at me.” The quiet moment had Ellie feeling like she’d been lulled into a trance. She was aware that they weren’t safe as long as they were outside, and she felt awfully exposed, but the part of her that wanted to enjoy this closeness she and Dina shared was telling her to calm down and _enjoy_. To _relax_. There were no snipers waiting to gun her down.

“That’s good.” Dina’s hands slipped into the back of Ellie’s flannel and t-shirt, seeking warm skin. They were both quiet for a couple of seconds, save for the sound of their breathing, and Ellie listened for any noise nearby that could signify danger.

“How badly do you want to go inside right now?” Dina asked, poking softly at the healing scratch on Ellie’s shoulder. There was some jest in her words, but mostly understanding.

“I feel like there are ants eating my fucking flesh,” Ellie joked, pulling back her head and turning slightly to her left and right to check for any signs of intruders around them. “Does that answer your question?”

“Dramatic,” Dina asserted, letting her fingers slide from Ellie’s shoulders down to her arms. “I like it.”

 

-

 

The small lamp on Ellie’s bedside table was the only source of light in the room as they sat around and talked about the upcoming few days of work. Ellie was still meeting regularly with Tommy and the others, and Dina had been assigned alternately to the gardens and to the armory. Neither of them had been asked to go back out there yet, and Ellie was grateful for it.

Together, they sat on Ellie’s bed with their backs to the wall. Ellie had one arm wrapped around Dina’s shoulders and the other around her own bent right knee.

At a brief lull in conversation, Ellie closed her eyes and thought back to the meeting. She wished Tommy hadn't drawn even more attention to her. She was glad she’d gone out there to get Dina and the others back, but she wasn't _proud_ of what she’d done. More than anything, she wanted not to think about it anymore. She wanted to stop obsessing, but she didn't know how.

Shifting away from under Ellie’s arm, Dina shuffled around on the bed until her head was pillowed on Ellie’s lap. Her feet were resting up on the headboard and she pulled Ellie’s hand down to her stomach and curled her fingers around it. Softly, shyly, Ellie moved her free hand over to Dina’s hair.

As she sat there with the girl of her dreams, Ellie thought back to what Dina had said about the other women and girls inside the compound. It still sounded ludicrous to her even now.

“You were kidding earlier, right? About that whole eligible bachelor thing?” she asked almost without considering the consequences of her question. She didn't want to sound like she was fishing for compliments.

Dina, who had closed her eyes in quiet enjoyment at the soft strokes of Ellie’s fingers in her hair, cracked one of them open now to squint up at Ellie. “I can't tell if you're being obtuse on purpose this time, or if you're just _that_ cute.”

Grimacing, Ellie put her whole hand on Dina’s face and let out a long-suffering sigh while Dina laughed and tried to throw her off.

 

-

 

A crack from outside and Ellie was awake.

She was out of bed in less than a second, her pistol clutched in her hand. Slowly, carefully, she walked to the  window, mindful to stay out of the moonlight.

She’d cocked her weapon by the time she’d crouched next to the glass, her breathing slow and even. For a moment, she waited, listening for other noises. Then, she saw what had woken her.

“El?” Dina asked from the bed, her hand sliding over the bit of mattress Ellie had just been resting on. “Everything okay?” Her words were slurred, made heavy with sleep.

“Yeah,” Ellie whispered, lowering her gun and heavily sliding down the wall until her butt hit the floor. “Yeah… just a bird.” She felt it achingly, the _exhaustion_ , the mental gymnastics of finding her peace. “Just a stupid bird.”

 

-

 

Dina’s fingers worked nimbly as she took the rifle apart so she could clean it. Her motions were practiced and assured, Ellie’s eyes following their every twist and turn.

They were spending their morning inside the armory, with Dina placed on cleaning duty and Ellie just kind of… hanging out. Tommy was trying to give her some downtime to heal from her wounds, even though Ellie hadn't asked him for any.

“James told me he's going out on patrol today,” Dina mentioned almost too casually, her hands hesitating just a moment before she picked up the rag she’d been using to clean the rifles for the last hour. “He couldn't stop talking about it at breakfast this morning.”

While everyone else had been eating, Ellie had been having a long meeting with Joel and Tommy about the upcoming patrols, so she wasn't surprised at her girlfriend’s words. She just hated how queasy they made her feel. James going back out there was not one of her favorite things to think about.

Humming in acknowledgement to let Dina know that she’d heard her, Ellie fiddled with the knife she was supposed to be sharpening. It slipped easily back and forth between her hands, the shiny metal reflecting the sun from one of the windows opposite them.

“Do you think it’s a good idea?” Dina’s hands had stilled, all of her attention focused on Ellie.

“Hm?”

“James going back out there so soon. Do you think it’s smart? We just got back.” It had been almost a week and a half since their return and Ellie’s senses still felt raw and entirely too sharp for compound life. She still remembered vividly how long it had taken her to adjust the first time, when she and Joel had first come here to settle down. “What if he gets overwhelmed out there?”

Softly putting down the knife, Ellie took a moment to go through her emotions and figure out which of them it would be best to share. There was anxiety, worry, frustration, respect… none of which would make Dina feel any better about the situation at hand.

She shrugged softly. “I guess he… wants to…” She’d never felt more like Joel in her entire life. “Maybe he’s worried that, if he doesn’t go… then…” _Words_ , she thought, _words_.

“If he doesn’t go now, he never will?” Dina offered, reaching out with one of her hands and curling her fingers around Ellie’s right wrist. They left streaks of gun oil on Ellie’s skin, but she didn’t mind. Instead, she unfolded her own hands so she could grab Dina’s before it could slip away.

“Yeah,” she said, looking down at Dina’s fingers and how perfectly they fit into hers. “Yeah.”

When she looked up, Ellie wasn’t quite sure what the new expression on Dina’s face meant, but she also wasn’t sure how to ask without sounding weird. Sadly, three weeks by herself in the woods hadn’t taught her any new tricks on how to handle interpersonal relationships.

A second later, Dina’s face cleared, and she gave Ellie a sweet smile.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt if we saw him off this afternoon, right?” she said, squeezing Ellie’s hand.

“Sounds great,” Ellie offered, leaning forward on the bench until she could press a small kiss against Dina’s lips. Before she could pull away, Dina raised both of her hands to cup Ellie’s cheeks and keep her close.

Their kisses were short and soft, almost reassuring, and Ellie wasn’t sure how long they stayed caught up in the moment. She had no intention of pulling away until Dina did, and so maybe they would have ended up kissing all morning, if the door hadn’t opened a few minutes later.

“Why did I know I’d find the two o’you canoodlin’ as soon as I left,” a friendly if exasperated voice said from the entrance to the armory, almost causing Ellie to have a heart attack right then and there. Her fingers were curled around the blunt knife before she could stop herself.

A tall gray-haired woman with a scar under one eye and blue overalls covering her body stepped further inside as she closed the door behind them. She was smirking, and Ellie’s entire face seemed to be going up in flames as she sat back down on the bench.

“Y’all should be glad you’re my favorites,” the woman said, coming over to them and ruffling their hair with steady hands.

“Sorry, Gus,” Dina said sweetly. “You know how hard it is to resist a face like Ellie’s.”

Her words didn’t help Ellie’s embarrassment one bit.

Gus chuckled. Then, she pulled a rag from one of the many pockets on her overalls and held it out to Ellie. “You oughta be careful with this one, Ellie.” She nodded towards Dina, who brought her hand to her chest and acted entirely too offended. “She’s gonna getcha into all sorts’o trouble.”

Taking the rag with some confusion, Ellie glanced from her girlfriend to Gus and back again.

“Um, thanks…?” she said, wondering what she was supposed to do with it.

With a smile, Gus pointed at her own face. “You got a bit of…” She twirled her finger around and Ellie realized what she was trying to communicate. The realization must have shown on her face, because the older woman just chuckled again before walking over to a work bench as she shook her head at Ellie and Dina’s antics.

Quickly, Ellie scrubbed her face, revealing streaks of black gun oil.

She sighed.

Dina laughed.

 

-

 

They were sitting in the kitchen of Ellie and Joel’s house, each with a cup of tea in front of them. Ellie was skimming through a book and Dina was cradling her cup and staring out of the window. Her hair lay tousled across her shoulders and Ellie had to try significantly more this morning not to stare at her girlfriend in open adoration.

“I was thinking,” Dina started slowly, moving her eyes away from the window and letting them sweep across the room instead. She seemed a little nervous and Ellie hoped it had nothing to do with them, because she’d thought their relationship had been working pretty well. But maybe she had been wrong about that.

Her worry must have shown on her face, because Dina curled a warm hand around Ellie’s tattooed forearm and pulled her into a kiss - one of those that always left Ellie a little bit breathless.

“We're not breaking up,” Dina reassured her with a small roll of her eyes, which made Ellie kick her under the table. “I was just thinking… about going back out on patrol soon. I'm going kind of stir-crazy. And now that James has been back out there...”

Her words didn't make Ellie relax in the slightest. In fact, the first memory that went through her mind was watching Dina be dragged away and hit in the head with a rifle to keep her quiet. It took a significant amount of effort to pull herself back to the present and to acknowledge the more rational side of her brain. Mainly because a big part of her wanted to keep Dina inside the compound forever to ensure that she would never be put in danger again, but the logical half was glad that Dina was feeling safe enough to make such a big choice after what had happened.

Besides, James had come back two days ago without a scratch, and he didn’t seem to be on the verge of being kidnapped again, so… there was really no reason for Ellie’s heart to be beating this fast, or for sweat to be breaking out on her neck. No reason. None at all.

Setting down her book, Ellie put her own hand over the one Dina had placed on her arm. Together, their fingers covered the one place on Ellie’s body that showed how strange she really was. The bite that she had been so sure would kill her once upon a time.

“If that's what you want to do,” Ellie said, hoping she sounded reassuring and not utterly terrified. A bite like that _would_ be the end of Dina, and it felt as though Ellie had only just gotten her back.

A smile stole across Dina’s lips, drawing Ellie even further out of the bad memories.

“How badly do you want to lock me in your bedroom right now?” Dina asked, her eyes twinkling with that mirth that Ellie loved so much.

“I won't,” Ellie shot back quickly. “I'm not gross.”

“I don't know, I might be persuaded to get locked up,” Dina mused, supporting her head on her right hand and giving Ellie a suspiciously mischievous look. “Depends on what incentive you give me to stay there.” She grinned openly as Ellie’s entire face seemed to be engulfed in flames at the suggestion.

It was almost as though Dina was trying to distract her on purpose to give her time to digest her desire to go back out. Almost.

Dina had just moved her chair a little closer to Ellie’s in preparation for what Ellie was pretty sure was a make-out session, when the front door opened.

“I'm back,” Joel called from the hallway, thoroughly dousing whatever fires of desire had lit themselves in Ellie’s belly. She felt like a ridiculous teenager, especially when Dina quickly surged forward to steal a kiss.

 

-

 

Ellie was on her back, her hands crossed behind her head and her eyes fixed on the ceiling while Dina brushed her hair in front of the cracked mirror on the desk. She’d brought the mirror over from her own place when she’d started sleeping over regularly. When Jesse had seen her and Ellie walk around with it, he’d made some sort of old-world joke about an urge to merge. Ellie hadn't really gotten the point.

“Are you sure you're okay with me going back out there?” Dina asked almost nonchalantly as she placed her brush on the desk and picked up a hair tie.

Ellie shrugged.

She’d been thinking about what Dina had revealed to her for the last two days. Constantly. Going back and forth on all the information, all the possible scenarios - and all of her worries. Two weeks of compound life should have been enough to soothe her, really. But she was still struggling.

“Not up to me. If you want to go out, you should go out,” she said, hoping that this answer would satisfy her girlfriend.

It didn't.

Instead, it made Dina walk over to the bed and sit down heavily on Ellie’s legs. Her straddling-decision hadn't been entirely unexpected, but Ellie’s stomach still dropped out of her body at the sheer attractiveness of it all. Especially when she tried to sit up and Dina placed a hand on her chest to push her back down.

“Talk to me, El. I know you have feelings bottled up in there,” she said softly, tapping her forefinger against Ellie’s sternum.

“Bit presumptuous,” Ellie grumbled with a look to the side.

“Bit presumptuous of _you_ to assume I’ll be mad if you say you want me to stay put for a bit longer.” Dina flicked her finger against Ellie’s nose, something which Ellie could not let stand. A second of wrestling later and Dina found herself on her back with Ellie kneeling over her.

Now there was a blush on Dina’s cheeks as well.

“I _do_ love it when you do that,” she whispered suggestively, running her fingertips along Ellie’s bare forearms. Goosebumps broke out under her touch, and the breathy way she spoke temporarily distracted Ellie from what they had been talking about.

As though pulled along by a magnet, Ellie lowered herself just enough so she could bring her lips to Dina’s in the ghost of a kiss. Almost immediately, Dina responded by wrapping both arms around Ellie’s neck and lifting her head to deepen their kiss. She had been assigned to the greenhouse this morning and Ellie could detect the scent of strawberries on her along with clean sweat. Every breath she took only seemed to bring Dina closer to her, and it didn't take long until they were pressed together from head to toe.

Dina had one hand curled into Ellie’s hair and one stroking Ellie’s skin underneath the collar of her dark t-shirt. Meanwhile, Ellie was just trying to hold on without losing her mind too much at the onslaught of sensations, sounds, and smells.

She’d just worked up the courage to slip her hand under Dina’s sweater, when they both heard Joel’s voice from downstairs.

“Dinner’s done! The two’o you better get down here!”

They froze mid-kiss-and-grope, and before long Dina had let her head fall back and was trying not to laugh. Ellie didn’t think it was that funny.

“Seriously need my own house,” she griped as she laid her forehead down on Dina’s chest and closed her eyes in resignation. Her words didn't lessen Dina’s grin.

“Are you saying you want to move in with me? Why, I had no idea you wanted to take this to the next level already,” Dina teased her softly, the fingers of her left hand poking Ellie’s back.

“Jerk. Stop putting words in my mouth.” Ellie rolled off of Dina when Joel yelled for them a second time. “Coming! Coming!”

Dina followed the movement, trapping Ellie beneath her.

“You let me put my _tongue_ in your mouth. I think you can deal with a few words.” After another quick kiss, she jumped off the bed and walked out of the bedroom, leaving a flustered and strangely charmed Ellie behind.

 

-

 

Their run was going smoothly so far.

Ellie, Dina, Lauren, Jesse and James were all on high alert as they made their way along the shelves inside the Walmart they were raiding. The compound was running low on supplies in the clothing department, and so the four of them had been dispatched to pick up more things.

Everything was quiet around them. Even the usual sounds of birds and other animals around weren't as prominent as usual. And although Ellie couldn't quite figure out how she’d managed to convince Joel to let them travel this far from the compound without more reinforcements, she wasn't about to ask questions while she was already out here.

She had her machete clutched tightly in her hand and walked carefully around the next shelf, signaling the others to stay put for just a moment. When everything looked quiet and safe, she kept walking. They couldn't start raiding until they’d cleared the floor.

After a few more steps, something on a shelf to her right caught her attention. It was a comic book.

“Weird,” Ellie whispered to herself as she picked it up, only to realize that it was the one issue she’d never been able to find anywhere.

She was on the verge of flipping it open in surprised joy, when she heard a creaking in front of her. There was nothing in sight, but Ellie still dropped the comic back onto the shelf - she’d return to it later.

Silently, she signaled to the others that she’d heard something up ahead.

It was entirely possible that a stray squirrel or badger had found its way into the store, but Ellie couldn't take the chance that it was something worse.

Just a little closer…

“Ellie!”

Dina’s voice rang like a gunshot through the silent space, forcing Ellie around without hesitation.

There were people. So many people.

“Ellie!” Dina called again as she struggled against the grips of three masked attackers. Her hand was stretched towards Ellie, her fingers extended almost to breaking point. “Ellie!”

Ellie wanted to run towards her, but she couldn't move. Every time she tried to move her legs, she just seemed to get further away from Dina and the others.

Further and further away.

“Ellie!”

She was shaking now.

“Ellie!”

When she felt fingers on her face, she jerked awake with a silent scream on her lips, sitting up in her bed and almost knocking Dina in the face with her forehead. Dina, who was kneeling next to her with a worried expression. Who had her hands fisted in Ellie’s t-shirt. Who looked to be on the verge of calling in Joel.

“I'm fine,” Ellie said shakily, trying to pull away and get out of bed, away from the memories of Dina being dragged away kicking and screaming.

“You were tossing and turning,” Dina said gently, keeping her hands steady on Ellie’s shoulders. Clearly, she wouldn't be shaken off easily, and Ellie wasn't sure if she wanted to insist on being alone or to curl up against Dina and breathe in her scent until the memories went away.

“Sorry for waking you.” Ellie brought her hands to her face only to find that it was soaked in sweat. “Bit of a bad dream there.”

Stroking Ellie’s neck with her hand, Dina pressed her forehead against Ellie’s temple and shuffled even closer to her. She was warm and gentle and blessedly real. Safe. Here.

“You were saying my name,” she said, curling her right arm around Ellie’s quivering stomach. “Do you want to talk about it?” The thought of having to say it made Ellie’s throat feel like it was closing in on itself, so she shook her head. “Okay. Do you want to stay up for a while? We could make some tea.”

Guilt crawled up the back of Ellie’s neck.

“You have an early shift,” she spoke softly, trying to pull away from Dina’s embrace, only to realize that the arms holding her weren't about to let her go. She couldn't put into words how safe those arms made her feel, how much they grounded her.

“Fuck the shift.”

Dropping her hands, Ellie glanced shyly at her girlfriend, quietly wishing that she hadn't made a sound. She hated worrying Dina, and she hated even more that she couldn't let go of the fear. Dina hadn't even gone back out there yet, and Ellie was already having nightmares about it. This wasn't the only time it had happened, either; just the first that Dina had noticed.

“I just want to go back to sleep,” Ellie lied, knowing that she would likely stay awake until morning.

“Okay,” Dina acquiesced, letting Ellie go just enough so they could both lie back down. Maybe she knew that Ellie needed time, or that trying to talk to her right now would only result in Ellie pulling away even further. Either way, all she did was curl herself around Ellie protectively, her nose pressed against Ellie’s cheek. “I’ll be here. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Yeah.” Ellie exhaled shakily, uncomfortably reminded of when she’d lost Riley. And Tess. And all the other people she’d loved once upon a time. They were never going anywhere. Until they were.

 

-

 

Joel was making breakfast and Ellie was sitting at the kitchen table. She was staring down at the book about horticulture she was supposed to be reading, but all she could think about was the night before and how desperately she’d clung to Dina after another nightmare. She’d been having them on and off ever since they’d come back and she was at a loss for what to do. Especially since they’d been growing more specific.

“Here you go,” Joel said, his accent especially pronounced this morning since he’d just gotten up. “Eat up, kiddo.”

“Thanks…” Ellie said, looking at the plate full of scrambled eggs and vegetables. This morning, Dina was working the early shift for the third consecutive day, which made Ellie doubly glad her nightmares hadn't woken her up again.

By the time Joel sat down with his own plate, Ellie still hadn’t touched hers. He gave her an odd look.

“Somethin’ wrong with my eggs?” he asked, reaching over with his fork so he could spear a small square of golden yolk on her plate.

Instinctively, Ellie slapped his hand away.

“Stick to your own plate, old man,” she said without much enthusiasm. She tried to sound normal, but she knew she was doing a bad job of it. She wasn't entirely sure if she cared. Joel would understand. He always did to some degree or another.

“What’s going on?” he asked, leaning forward in his chair and shoveling a healthy amount of egg onto his fork. “Somethin’ up with… uh… you and your girl? She left kinda in a hurry this morning.”

Ellie put her chin in her left hand while she poked at her eggs. She hated talking about her feelings, but she knew she had to at some point. And she wanted to pick Joel’s brain about it all before she burdened Dina with them.

“You get worried, right?” Ellie said, before stuffing a cooked slice of beetroot into her mouth.

“That’s very specific,” he said teasingly, which earned him a punch in the shoulder.

“Dick. I mean, you get worried when I go out on patrol,” she clarified, paying extra attention to his face. His beard had been getting a little ridiculous lately, and Ellie hadn't asked him if it was because of laziness or some sort of misguided style-idea that he’d let it grow out a bit too much.

“Sure,” he replied without hesitation. “With what you get up to, I worry every time you leave the house to do anythin’ at all.”

This time she kicked him.

“I'm trying to have a serious conversation here,” she complained, although she already felt miles better about opening up to him.

“Trust me, kiddo, I'm very serious about that.” He picked up his mug of tea and took a generous gulp, as though forgetting that he usually hated the taste. One of their doctors had ordered him to drink a full mug of the stuff every day to strengthen his immune system, and Ellie laughed at him every time he made a face. But not today.

“So,” she started, tapping her fingers against her cheek. As expected, he didn't fill the silence that followed. He wasn't even looking at her anymore. Instead, he seemed to be focused entirely on his breakfast. When nothing else had been said for two minutes, Ellie caved. “How do you deal with being worried?”

Slowly, Joel continued to chew and swallow, before glancing once more at his tea. Maybe he was wondering which would be less painful: Drinking medicinal leaf water or being emotionally forthcoming with Ellie.

He picked the latter.

“It’s tough,” he admitted, clumsily reaching out with his hand and patting her on the shoulder just a little too hard. “And, uh… I mean… you and Dina have a, you know, a special sorta relationship.”

His words made her feel weird inside. Not because they weren't true, but because it was _Joel_ saying them. Ellie hadn't talked to him about her relationship with Dina before, because she’d never felt the need to. There had been a time before and after she’d started dating her friend and neither had ever affected how Ellie and Joel related to each other. She knew that he knew, but he didn't treat either her or Dina any differently than before.

She poked another slice of beetroot without really seeing it.

“I have dreams,” she said quietly, keeping her eyes on the table.

“Yeah… Me, too,” Joel replied, pulling back his hand with hesitation, before setting it down on her right forearm. It was big and familiar and the gesture reminded her of that year long so long ago where she and Joel had traversed the country. “I'm not sure, but… they don't stop, I don't think. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, baby girl.”

Her hand on the table was balled into a fist and she still wasn't looking at him. She couldn't.

“I don't want her to go back out there.”

Until now, she hadn't given voice to the words, because the reality of them held terrifying implications.

Joel didn't have to say anything this time.

He understood.

 

-

 

The night was quiet.

Ellie let her eyes run along the few shelves in her bedroom and wondered not for the first time if she should set up some kind of sorting system for her comic books. It seemed prudent to keep them in order instead of spread all over the place, but a part of her had always assumed that her time in Tommy’s compound was limited, and so she’d never bothered.

Maybe it was time to settle down.

A finger pressing against her side forcefully pushed her from this quiet place of reverie.

“Why aren't you asleep,” Dina mumbled against Ellie’s collarbone. “Nightmare?” She was curled up against Ellie’s right side and had been sleeping soundly… until now, at least.

“No,” Ellie responded truthfully, reaching over with her left hand so she could pull Dina’s pointy forefinger from her ribs. “Just thinking.”

Dina hummed quietly, sluggishly wiggling her hand around until Ellie intertwined their fingers on her stomach.

“Joke about you thinking.” Dina’s eyes were closed, but there was the barest hint of a sleepy smirk on her face. Ellie didn't even bother rolling her eyes; instead, she smiled to herself and stroked her thumb across the back of Dina’s hand.

“Go back to sleep,” Ellie said softly, hoping against her better judgement that Dina would drop it and leave her alone with her thoughts. It was a stupid wish, and not just because Ellie knew better. She was also pretty sure she didn't _want_ to be left alone with her thoughts, some of which were uncomfortably intrusive. She just didn't know how to ask Dina to stay awake. Asking for help didn't come naturally to her; it probably never would.

Her words made Dina sigh.

“Sometimes I think you know me better than anyone, and then you say stuff like that,” she said, pulling back her hand and pushing herself into a sitting position. Her hair was disheveled and there was a crease in her cheek from where she’d been laying on the seam in Ellie’s dark blue t-shirt. The moonlight from her window highlighted just how sleepy Dina really looked, and Ellie wished she knew how to handle her own feelings better. “Why won't you talk to me?”

Squirming uncomfortably, Ellie lifted herself up on her elbows. “Because it’s stupid,” she said, digging her nails into the mattress. “And you shouldn't have to worry about it.”

“That is such bullshit, El,” Dina replied, her voice taking on a more insistent quality now that she was settling into being awake to chew out Ellie. “If it worries you, then it should probably worry _me_. Especially if it keeps you up at night for days on end.” From the way she was talking, it was obvious that she had been waiting for Ellie to come to her about whatever was bothering her. Feeling uncomfortably put on the spot by this realization, Ellie flopped back on the bed.

“I'm worried,” she started haltingly, grimacing when Dina made an expression of _tell me something I don't already know_. With a sigh, Ellie reached over to Dina and reintertwined their fingers. “I'm worried… about you.” She paused, but before her girlfriend could even say a word, Ellie pushed on. “I'm worried that if you go out again… you’ll be taken… or, you know, bitten. Or _something_.”

Softly, hesitantly, Dina stretched out her left hand to stroke a curl of hair out of Ellie’s forehead.

“That’s what you’ve been having nightmares about?” she asked quietly, drawing her thumb along Ellie’s temple. Her expression was tough to read, especially when she turned her face further into the darkness and looked away. This time, it was Ellie who was cut off from responding. “Me, too.”

Instantly, Ellie was sitting up.

“What?” she asked, holding on even tighter to Dina’s hand. “But you’ve been so excited about going out again.” Now that Ellie thought about it, she’d been so preoccupied with her own worries she’d barely noticed anything else around her.

“I’m fucking terrified,” Dina said, pulling back from Ellie and kneading her hands in her lap.

Ellie’s fingers reached out towards her on instinct, grabbing Dina’s to reestablish their connection and holding on fast. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Then, she winced. _She_ hadn’t said anything, either, after all. “Sorry, sorry, stupid question.” Their knees were pressed together, and Ellie looked down for a second.

“It’s like you said…” Dina whispered, her voice soft and unsure. “James went back on patrol, because he…” She didn’t have to finish her sentence for Ellie to understand the sentiment. Dina was scared that if she got complacent and burrowed too deeply into compound life, she’d never feel confident enough again to leave this place.

Swallowing down her fear, Ellie let go of Dina’s hands and pulled her into a hug instead.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered against Dina’s neck, closing her eyes and digging her hands into her girlfriend’s back to keep her as close as possible. “I didn’t… want to be selfish. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

Dina’s nails pinched Ellie’s shoulders. She was clinging back just as hard. “I didn’t want to look weak…” she admitted, her words barely audible even in the silence of the night.

Pulling back from their embrace, Ellie cupped Dina’s cheeks. Her skin was soft under Ellie’s rough, calloused fingers, and even though it wasn’t the time, Ellie reveled in the fact that she could touch this girl. That she was allowed to be close to her.

“You are the strongest person I know,” Ellie said almost bashfully, letting her thumb sweep across Dina’s cheek. The darkness of night made her feel braver, somehow, like she could say and do things she would never even dream of during the daytime. Maybe it was the fact that almost everyone else inside the compound was asleep, that they would never know how soft Ellie truly was.

Her words made Dina scoff.

“You’re so full of it,” she said, sounding as though she was aiming for the teasing tone she usually employed around Ellie without really succeeding. “You cleared out I don’t know how many compounds, and I couldn’t even get away from them without your help.”

With a frown, Ellie wondered how best to express what she wanted to say. Sometimes she wished she had been raised by someone who knew what emotional intelligence was. But only sometimes.

“That’s not…” she started, dropping her hands from Dina’s cheeks and furrowing her brows. “That doesn’t…” She scrubbed a hand over her face. “I’m not strong because I can kill people, okay? That has nothing to do with being strong.”

“Bullshit,” Dina said, her words almost too loud for the quiet of the night. “You can protect yourself and the people around you. That sounds pretty fucking strong to me.” Belatedly, Ellie realized this was the first real argument the two of them had had since before they’d gotten together. “You don’t hesitate, El. You do what needs to be done, and you do it _damn_ well.”

“Trust me, it’s not…” Ellie raked a hand through her hair. “It’s not as great as it sounds.” With a sigh, Dina turned away from her and laid down on her back, her entire body now cast in shadows. “I… I wish I could be more like you. All the time.”

Somehow, this conversation had long since stopped being about whether or not Dina should be going out on patrol. To Ellie, it seemed as though this had been a long time coming, and the kidnapping had done little more than delay it. It felt like the sort of conversation that would decide if what they had could work in the long-run.

At her words, Dina’s face turned towards her, a look of confusion plain as day on her features even in the dark.

“You--” Ellie balled her hands into fists. “You’re _kind_.” Her shoulders drooped as she laid herself bare before Dina’s eyes, every word stripping just a bit more of her defenses down. “You make people laugh and you know how to make them feel better.” She could feel her nails dig into her palms as every fiber of her being told her to stop talking. Stop sharing. Stop making herself vulnerable. “After everything you’ve seen, you’re-- and I’m--”

Slowly, Dina sat herself up again, her eyes taking in Ellie as though she couldn’t get enough.

“I know how to _kill_ people.” Voice quiet, Ellie clenched her jaw. “I know how to cut them and where to shoot them, but I don’t… I don’t know how to be _around_ them.” She almost shied away from Dina’s gentle hands as they found her shoulders. “There’s nothing strong about what I am… I think-- I think _you’re_ strong for staying so soft.”

Dina’s hand felt achingly tender on her skin as she cupped Ellie’s cheek and drew her into a kiss. She was warm and familiar and _safe_ , and Ellie let herself get pushed down until she was on her back and Dina was hovering over her, their legs tightly intertwined on the bed.

“I love you,” Dina murmured in between kisses, making Ellie feel as though her heart would explode if she didn’t slow it down soon. Before she could say anything in reply, Dina was talking again. Quick, quiet words whispered against the skin of Ellie’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful, Ellie. Everything you do.” She drew her nose along Ellie’s cheek before establishing eye contact. “You’re sweet and kind and generous. And you make me feel…” She stumbled, which felt almost like a blessing to Ellie, who had no idea how to respond to her girlfriend’s words.

“I, um…” Ellie said, her hands trembling on Dina’s back.

Dina’s mood seemed to have shifted away from the quiet resentment she’d been feeling, because she smiled softly and pressed a series of kisses against Ellie’s flaming hot cheek.

“I love you,” she repeated, resting her forehead against Ellie’s temple.

Feeling entirely out of her depth, Ellie squeezed Dina a little tighter and wondered what she should say. Her stomach was fluttering with Dina’s words and assessment of her character, and she wanted to hold onto that feeling before it faded away to be replaced with those feelings of self-loathing that sometimes reared their ugly heads.

“I love you, too,” she revealed quietly, trying to remember the last time she’d told anyone that she loved them.

 

-

 

The tea was so bitter it almost felt as though her tongue would fall out any second in protest. “Now I know why Joel always makes that face,” Ellie said as she set the steaming mug back onto the coffee table and wiped her mouth in disgust.

“You shouldn’t have made that joke,” Dina said teasingly as she curled up against Ellie on the couch, her body almost entirely lost in a giant men’s sweater that she’d nicked from the clean laundry pile. It belonged to Joel, but he’d merely huffed when he’d seen her wearing it this morning. “You know Danielle doesn’t fuck around.”

The day before, Ellie and Dina had visited the hospital for Ellie’s regular check-up, and she’d made an off-hand comment about how funny it was that Joel had to strengthen his immune system. She never would have thought that Danielle - one of their resident doctors - would be cruel enough to make Ellie drink it, too.

“Might learn from my mistakes one of these days,” Ellie said without much conviction as she wrapped her arm around Dina’s shoulders and stared at the television. It was playing one of the DVDs Ellie had scavenged over the years. Right now, they were spending their allotted electricity on something mindless while they rode out their difficult night of confessions and arguments.

Dina had a mug of tea as well, but hers wasn’t brown and gross. Instead, it smelled sweetly of honey, and Ellie pretended not to be offended.

They both had the morning off, and Ellie was glad for it. Neither of them had gone back to sleep after Ellie’s nightmare, which meant that neither of them felt particularly inclined to start working today.

“So…” Ellie said a few minutes later to avoid looking at the gross, healthy tea again. “You’re going on patrol soon.” The fingers of her right hand were drawing mindless shapes on Dina’s shoulder, and she hoped she didn’t sound as nervous as she felt.

“Seems like a good idea, yeah,” Dina replied, lowing her mug to her lap and rubbing her cheek against Ellie’s. “Are you okay with that?” After their embarrassing discussion about why they both thought the other was amazing, they hadn’t done much more than kiss and cuddle for the rest of the night.

“Not really,” Ellie said honestly, feeling slightly less guilty. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it.” She watched dispassionately as someone was shot on screen. “But… I trust you. I know you’re careful.”

Setting down her tea next to Ellie’s, Dina wrapped both arms around Ellie’s torso as she sat back down.

“Maybe it’ll help if you come with me on the first run?” she asked, before kissing Ellie’s shoulder a few times.

Everything inside of Ellie wanted to say yes, wanted to jump on the opportunity, but--

“No,” she said instead, pressing her lips to the top of Dina’s head. “You should go. I’ll be here when you get back.” The words felt almost painful to say, but she knew they were vital to her sanity. She couldn’t go on every patrol with Dina, no matter how much she wanted to. There would be times when she would be worried, and she wanted to start to learn how to deal with that fear as soon as she could.

“Alright,” Dina replied, settling in against Ellie’s side and getting comfortable.

For the rest of the morning, they stayed curled up on the couch, wrapped around each other as though they could be torn apart at any moment.

Ellie barely even thought about how much of a possibility that was.

 

-

 

“You have everythin’?” Joel asked with a worried expression, his hand fiddling with the strap of Dina’s backpack. “Bandages? Knife? Extra ammo?” He pulled his own knife from his pocket and offered it to Dina. “Take mine, too, just in case.”

“I’m fine,” Dina said, reaching out with her hand and patting Joel on the arm. “My knife is right here.” She lifted her vest and revealed the sharp, double-edged weapon she had strapped to her belt. The leather of its sheath was shiny and new, and Ellie blushed a little as she caught Dina’s heated gaze. A couple of days ago, Ellie had sweet-talked their blacksmith into making a nice home for the double-edged knife she’d taken a few weeks ago from an enemy.

The kiss she’d gotten when she’d given the weapon to Dina as a _back out on patrol_ -gift still made her knees weak when she thought about it. They’d been back inside the compound for a month now and Ellie felt reasonably certain that she’d survive the few hours of Dina roaming around the woods and checking for anything fishy beyond the walls.

Reasonably certain.

Not worried at all.

“Okay, then,” Joel said, pushing his own blade back into his belt before placing his hands on Dina’s shoulders. “No funny business out there. No goin’ off on your own, no goin’ beyond the perimeter.” He looked about as stressed as Ellie felt, which probably meant he was even _more_ stressed on the inside. “You come back in one piece.”

“I promise,” Dina said dutifully, crossing her fingers behind her back where she knew Ellie could see them. Huffing, Joel crossed his arms over his chest and took a step back. This time, he was trying to look intimidating, even though he probably knew it wouldn’t work on Dina. “I’ll be fine. You know if I mess up, this one will be right up my ass about it.”

She pointed at Ellie, who rolled her eyes.

“Just want you to be smart about it,” Joel said, before his attention was called away by Tommy, who was standing next to the other people who would be going out with Dina this afternoon. After another stern look, he walked away, leaving Ellie and Dina standing next to one another.

“At least now I know where you get it from,” Dina said, turning towards Ellie and wrapping her arms around her neck.

“Shut up,” Ellie replied, placing her hands on Dina’s waist. “He’s not wrong.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dina nuzzled Ellie’s nose with her own, looking entirely too pleased with herself when Ellie blushed and checked to see if anyone was staring at them. Thankfully, Ellie and Dina’s physical affection had become somewhat mundane to the people around them in recent weeks. “I promise I’ll be careful. I have something to come back to, after all.”

Dina’s smile was so genuine that Ellie didn’t have it in her to be sarcastic about it.

Instead, she pulled Dina into a long and soft kiss.

“I love you,” she whispered, the words still sounding strange coming from her own lips.

“Love you, too,” Dina replied, only pulling away when Tommy called over to let them know it was time to part. “I’ll be back soon. Try not to hang around the gate too much while I’m gone. I’m sure there are plenty of other things for you to be doing.”

“Dick,” Ellie said as she unwrapped her arms from around Dina.

As soon as the gate was open, Dina and the others made their way out into the open, their steps steady and determined. Feeling only slightly self-conscious, Ellie pulled herself up onto the wall and watched the crew of five walk away into the afternoon sun.

“She’ll be back,” Joel said, startling Ellie out of her trance. “You have to believe that.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and she allowed herself a moment of weakness as she leaned against him. “She’ll be back.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna hang out and chat or give me new ideas, find me on tumblr @goshdarnitjay
> 
> xoxo betad by the wonderful plushkiwi. all remaining mistakes are my own


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